Saturday, 30 May 2009

Diploma-Mill Creationists win University Challenge!

Journal of Imaginary Sciences, Vol 16, (2009),
Diploma-Mill Creationists win University Challenge!

After a thrilling series of University Challenge, a surprise team from the Patriot Bible University defeated the Oxford University students in the Grand Final. The team, comprising of a creation science student, a Christian educationalist student, a MA student in homeopathy and a PhD student in advanced spiritualism took on the Oxford students in a thrilling and gripping finale.

The team were noted for their accurate answers especially in their main subjects of Christian theology. Indeed, on some occasions they successfully corrected the questions that Paxman gave them.

Bob Doubt, a biology student from Oxford said:
“I’m surprised at the accuracy of their answers. We never really stood a chance. I wish we had gone to this diploma mill rather than the prestigious Oxford.

Jeremy Paxman commented on the final saying:
“I don’t know how they did it. They put me in my place with their extreme accuracy and frighteningly intelligent questioning.”

When discussing the victory with the Patriot Bible students they said:
“It was obvious we were to win. God made it so we studied hard and managed to cover the correct areas in the questions. It shows his love of us and the fact that he can reward those who worship him”.

Patriot Bible University

(more to come tomorrow)

Saturday, 23 May 2009

Intelligent Falling, the new alternative to the Theory of Gravity

Journal of Imaginary Sciences, Vol 16, (2009),
Intelligent Falling, the new alternative to the Theory of Gravity

At the Discovery Institute today, the Intelligent Designists revealed a new campaign placed to challenge the existing status quo. Whilst they have spent years debating Evolution, Intelligent Design advocates have now turned their eyes on the Physics world.

“We wanted to look at how a designer may have implemented the physical rules that we see operating in our world today” said Michael Dembski. “We soon came to realise that the Designer had made several complex and intricate laws that are irreducibly complex. We have decided to now start a new campaign which tries to teach the alternative theory to the Theory of Gravity”. We argue that without the exact precision that the Designer implemented into these laws, we would have not come about and this universe would not be as it is today. The Theory of Gravity is like the Theory of Evolution. As a result we argue that our Designer tells things to fall and commands gravity. Using the equations surrounding gravity we were able to calculate an unknown factor, intelligently deciding what things should fall. For example, look at the fact that people and heavy weights fall whilst airplanes can fly. This is obviously evidence for a designer at work.”

Prominent physicists such as Stephen Hawkings have criticised the idea, describing it as “ludicrous” however, Dembski replied with:

“Stephen Hawkings said that “It would be very difficult to explain why the universe should have begun in just this way, except as the act of a God who intended to create beings like us.". So this indicates he may be hiding his opinions here when it comes into Intelligent Falling. After all, we have described before in “Expelled, No Intelligence Allowed” the conspiracy of the mainstream scientists trying to prevent research into an Intelligent Designer. It is clear that our friend Stephen is being motivated by these people to speak untruths”.

*Please note that the quote attributed to Stephen Hawkings is a quote mine for the purpose of this satire. This is not what Hawkings meant and a link has been inserted to show the correct quotation

Quote mine

The News 9

Books, Books and more Books

Welcome to another week. I’ve been fairly busy at the moment, so I’m only writing the one article this week, satirising the Intelligent Design claims with the infamous Intelligent Falling. Hopefully next week I should have had time to get up to date with articles and be able to watch my backlog of science programs.

Recently, I have been browsing my local Waterstones whilst waiting for the train. I’ve found a few tasty books on Science including Ben Goldacre’s “Bad Science” and many, many books on Evolution. Unfortunately, as I browsed the section I’ve found a few dedicated to the topics of creationism, intelligent design, etc. Not to advocate them, but to defend Evolution against them. It is unfortunate that this happens. Evolution shouldn’t need to be defended, it’s a robust scientific theory. However, some people do not understand what science is.

I would also like to add that the Stephen Hawkings quote is a purposeful quote mine and should not be used to espouse any suggestion that there is a God.

Stephen Hawkings quote mine
Bad Science
Intelligent Falling

Saturday, 16 May 2009

Campaigners for repatriation end all forms of archaeology.

Journal of Imaginary Sciences, Vol 15, (2009),
Campaigners for repatriation end all forms of archaeology.

Universities across the globe have been closing their archaeology & anthropology departments today as repatriation campaigners successfully claimed back all the remains and finds collected by them.

The repatriation debate has been carried out for some time, as ethnic groups, complaining against the imperialistic attitudes of scientists who stole bodies from them, have mounted successful campaigns to get their ancestors back. Indeed, laws have been passed in Australia and America in order to allow these minorities to claim their ancestors from musty shelves in collections. Whilst this was seen as a good compromise by some, it was argued that it was not just the remains that were being disrespected. Several campaigners argued that all artefacts found with these remains were grave goods and as such should be reburied along with the bodies. This line of reasoning was also extended to all artefacts as the campaigners argued that the people wouldn’t want strangers messing around with them.

“Its terrible,” said one archaeologist. “We can’t study the remains any more as the ethnic minorities have reclaimed them, now we can’t study their artefacts! We can’t do anything any more except make wild claims. Without the evidence we’re as bad as the Eric von Däniken guy who stated the pyramids were made by aliens!”

As the universities close, some ask what the archaeologists can do now they haven’t any jobs.

“Go and become builders” said one happy campaigner, “at least you’ll be doing an honest job!”

You’re a fraud and you know you are says spirit to the medium.

Journal of Imaginary Sciences, Vol 14, (2009),

You’re a fraud and you know you are says spirit to the medium.

Today the spiritualist community was shocked as a spirit hit back against the so-called mediums through a medium. Madam Mystic was performing a usual séance with her clients when a spirit, calling itself Arthur Doyle apparently spoke through her.

“We were all set-up, ready to perform the usual weekly séance when it happened”, said Mrs Smith, “I was there to see if I could speak to my husband George, who passed away 2 years ago and Madam Mystic was just preparing herself to call her usual spirit guide- Big Chief Bob when this strange English voice started to speak. It said that Madam Mystic was a fake and that to be perfectly honest, no-one on the other side really wanted to know what people were doing here as it was far better there.

Another client, Mr R Derrick, spoke of his satisfaction of seeing Madam Mystic being outed.

“I’ve been to a few of these “so-called séances before, only to think that these people were trying to collect money. I’ve been trying to gather evidence to prove these charges against them until today. Madam Mystic was busy, preparing her act and then suddenly she jerks, right, looking like she’d seen a ghost. Then this guy’s voice started speaking, I mean, she looked totally baffled by what this voice was saying and it was clear she had no control over it.”

According to eye-witnesses, the spirit introduced itself as Arthur Doyle, as in the famous novelist. After apologising to the guests for his lack of manners, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle proceeded to inform them that this woman was a charlatan and that they on the other side weren’t too bothered about what was going on. Apparently, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle informed them that it was the amount of people getting to the afterlife, to find out their relatives didn’t know about the talks that they had been having, that drove the spirits to do this.

Unfortunately, both Madam Mystic and the late Sir Arthur Conan Doyle were unable to comment.

The Ancestor’s Tale

And another week has passed. This week I managed to finally see the first episode of “The Incredible Human Journey with Dr Alice Roberts. I must confess, with the opening credits and the deluge of programmes on Evolution, I was initially sceptical of this program. Sure, it covered a different angle (looking at how we colonised the world), but it seemed rather “trendy” than serious science. Dr Alice Roberts, has a tendency to speak in book titles, with some occasions I was expecting her to quote some like “Bones, Stones and Molecules” and “The Ancestor’s Tale”. Despite this, I really enjoyed it. Once Alice Roberts started going into the details she provided clear demonstrations of modern anthropological views, making details such as the differences between our species and the other human species, incredibly clear, even to those without the training that I’ve received. Despite my study of the topic with some excellent lecturers at the University of York, Dr Alice Roberts managed to emphasis how brief my degree’s coverage of Human Evolution was. The difficulties getting through the Sahara Desert were brought to life in a way which I’ve never experienced in the seminars I’ve attended and the papers I’ve read. Despite the apparent over-dramatical start, Dr Alice Roberts has produced a programme I want to watch, if only to learn more.

Unfortunately, the programme won’t bring those who need to learn more about Evolution. Those that scoff it and insist on the literal truth of their religions will ignore it, which I find sad. We have these wonderful attempts by people passionate for their subjects, who are always attempting to learn more about who we are, what we’ve done and everything about a beautiful world and they get ignored by those who think God created the Earth in 6 days. There was an Ancient Greek school of philosophers who used to teach rhetoric and oratory, who used to think they were capable of arguing black was white. They were called Sophists and to be quite honest, they remind me more of those sophists that Socrates and Plato railed against, rather than the great philosophers of that time.

This week, I also introduce something close to my heart, Repatriation. I’m all for repatriation in some particular cases, I would gladly give back aboriginal remains to the Australian Aborigines and the Native American remains to their descendents. But we can’t take this too far. The study of human remains should be continued, otherwise we get the old practice of grave-robbing again. Those that object to the showing of mummies in museums should also remember that if we’re talking about respect, maybe we shouldn’t show their possessions too. Covering them with a modern white linen veil like the curators of Manchester Museum have done, will not afford them any more respect at all.

Saturday, 9 May 2009

Crocoduck found. Creationists state that this disproves Evolution

Journal of Imaginary Sciences, Vol 13, (2009),

Crocoduck found. Creationists state that this disproves Evolution

Breaking news was found as a new species was discovered today. Creationists and Evolutionary biologists are in shock as the new species, named Crocoduck was revealed.

The species, known as Anas Crocodylidae was predicted by Ray Comfort, a creationist known for stating that the banana was intelligently designed. Ray’s argument was that one species should give rise to another species with qualities that are in between. He then argued that an example would include the crocoduck for the transition between lizards and birds.

However, when news of this new species had arisen, Ray then backtracked, stating:

“This marvellous crocoduck is evidence against Evolution as the evolutionists have been telling me for years that this is not how it works. In that case, it proves God’s existence.”

Ray Comfort

Warning: May Contain Sarcasm

Hello, and welcome to another week of satire. Distind at FSTDT has been generous and sometime this weekend he will be adding this blog to his Friends of FSTDT. It is a pleasure to have such a well-known website working together with this blog to demonstrate the ridiculous ideas of the fundamentalist.

Now, as you might know, I received this comment from an “Anonymous” poster this week:

“This blog is a total satire, out to make fun of Ken and creationism. You can safely dismiss anything it says as untrue.”

Now earlier this week I had a fundie commenting on another website that my blog was a lie and referred to that same post. Jeff Wallen was the name of the poster and I suspect he was the anonymous person informing people about it being a satire. Jeff, if it was you, don’t worry. For all those people like you who are unable to read the words “Why Answers In Genesis is truly ridiculous.” in my slogan I shall change it to: Warning: May contain satire. I can understand that as a fundamentalist you are unfamiliar with humour Jeff, so I’ll make it easier for you. Maybe you might want to also look at all that evidence I provided for you on that board.

Just in case Jeff doesn’t read this blog, I will send him a link to it. I hope to see many more “helpful” contributions Jeff…..

Saturday, 2 May 2009

AIG- The ultimate Poe

Journal of Imaginary Sciences, Vol 12, (2009),
AIG- The ultimate Poe

Creationists were shocked today as Ken Ham revealed that Answers In Genesis, his company which promotes the teaching of creation science in education is a hoax.

The prominent creationist told journalists that:
“We are sorry to announce to creationists that the organisation, Answers in Genesis is a hoax. The organisation was created in order to satirise creationist beliefs and the example taken from our creationist museum highlights this. Unfortunately, people have taken this seriously and as a result have perpetuated this hoax far more than we could ever do. We must state that creationism is truly ridiculous and should not be used as an example of how God created the earth.”

Evolutionary Biologists and science educators claimed that this particular hoax was extremely damaging.

“We had no idea it was a Poe” said Eugenie Scott. “We’ve been struggling against them for years, raising our blood pressure with their ridiculous arguments and then they go and tell us they were joking? Do they know how much time and effort has been directed away from research and instead defending Evolution? This really has wasted the time of academics and teachers everywhere….”

Creationists have also expressed their opinions on the matter.

“Ken Ham is a godless man and his lies and deceit will be noticed and punished by God. The creation sciences will overthrow Evolution and prove that God made the Earth as stated in the Bible.”

A Flight from Science & Reason

Hello and welcome back. Whilst last week was relatively quiet, I have some snippets of news this week as well as some discussions.

As Volume 11 shows, I have turned a blog post towards the idiocy that is the creationist battle cry “It’s Just a Theory!” This is probably one of the oldest and stupidest arguments that a creationist can claim. If they use it, it indicates that they sincerely do not know what science actually is, or more succinctly, they don’t know what the words scientific theory mean. It is amazing that they don’t consider this in light to other theories. Cell Theory, Germ Theory, Collision Theory, Atomic Theory and the theories of General and Special Relativity. I mean, I could name hundreds of these theories and they will not insist that these are just “theories”. They will insist that there is evidence for them. So why exactly are they called theories? Because theory has a particular meaning in science.

I decided to look at this in more detail during an essay of mine for my course. I had found, in a book I particularly enjoyed, an essay by James Trefil called “Scientific Literacy”. In this, Trefil argues that understanding how science works is more important than facts and figures and considering creationists, I think it is a brilliant point. For those interested, the paper is from a conference called “A Flight from Science & Reason” (see Bibliography).

Another thing I saw this week was again from my friend Gav. He introduced me to Penn & Teller, Bullshit! I’ve put the link on my site, but I absolutely love the way they are able to explain how science works in a way which is great for anyone that has no background in science. The creationist episode which involved a rabbit to demonstrate the lack of democracy in science was particularly well done I think. I highly recommend watching at least a few episodes.

My other post this week I couldn’t resist. I’m sorry but sometimes I truly do wonder whether Ken Ham and co. are seriously trying to fuck with our heads, ala Andy Kaufmann style.

Trefil, J. (1996), Scientific Literacy, In Gross, PR., Levitt, N. & Lewis, MW. (1996), The Flight from Science And Reason, Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences Volume 775

Just a Theory

Journal of Imaginary Sciences, Vol 11, (2009),

Just a Theory!

Today a ground-breaking decision was made as the American education authorities agreed that Evolution was indeed “Just a theory”. However, their decision shocked creationists as they also stated that flat-earthism, geocentrism, Intelligent Falling, homeopathy and other alternative theories would be added to the science curriculum besides creationism.

“But, but, but, they’re all rubbish”, stammered a creationist follower. “They have no basis in fact, they aren’t science!”

This general feeling of shock was espoused among other creationists too, however, other supporters of the various theories mentioned expressed their shock and disapproval.

“The creationists disapprove of the mediums, the mediums disapprove of the flat-earthers, etc, everyone seems to be upset that another group is going to be taught alongside their particular theory” stated a nervous official. “We only wanted to try and accommodate everyone who complained about standard scientific theories being just theories.”

The education boards advise that these theories are taught alongside the ones proposed by science in order to let the children make their minds up. As a result of the new information being added to this curriculum, the authorities have recommended that science classes have been extended to include more time for these. As a result, pupils will be expected to spend approximately 30% of their week studying science, or as the educational authorities have renamed it, “Explanations for the natural and supernatural” lessons.

Whilst the educational authorities are indeed trying to assist the people that have been arguing against the past science curriculum, it seems that they have done too much in the way of assistance.

In relation to this, foreign Universities are now refusing to teach anyone wanting to do science subjects after taking this new curriculum. A spokesperson stated that until America can figure out what science is, they will not let people with no qualifications in this field study the subject at degree level.